Catatan Kebencian 2

i just don't know somehow what i feel. that sunday morning in my bathroom a few years ago. i found myself covered in blood.

miscarriage. Maybe that is what happened to me. What must i feel?? Sad? Happy? I just lost my future child. i've cried alone that thay. Cry because I realized that I had made ​​a mistake. Realize that God still loves me. God take it because he knew my situation at that time. I cried not because of pain. not the physical pain that I feel. I was crying about the state of my mind. Solitude. And of course ignorance Fajar. really do not care. At least that's what I knew.

rany febriani friend who always accompany me at that time. only on rani I can tell everything. Sadness, the bitterness of life, but I still protect Him, person who have hurt me. As far, as deep as this. I can not blame Fajar let alone in front of  Rany. I know, Rany will not stand aside when I was hurt by Fajar.
said ... What if I hate Person deserve it? hate Fajar? hate Him because he is not responsible for what happens now? So easily he just said "I am confused", "what can I do?"
What can I do as well. when I was pregnant and now I lose my baby? only word that I got from Fajar. Shall  I feel hurt?
I'm patient ... patience during this. and Fajar, he just quietly doing nothing. I do not know, where his love, a sense of responsibility which he was always proud of that? I am already fed up with all the bullshit. Damn you !!!!!

Catatan Kebencian

Don't blame me if I now hate you. Very very hate !!!!!!
During this time I relented and always try to understand. what you want, what you need. but it was never meant anything.
I sacrificed everything for You. everything .... everything I have. everything I could. He who makes me hurt, what a foolish when I fell in love with him? men who never want to care. no ............ care but in different ways. that's what he said. Should I forgive him? Although He never felt guilty? Even if he felt guilty he still did not do anything to fix it, right? I just realized, maybe this is called the limits of love and hate is very thin. not without reason I say this.
I was pregnant a few years ago. Fajar kurniawan know everything. and he still did not care. Anyway ..... I am a fool perhaps.I save this for a long time alone. I feel very depressed with my inner state. I have tried all ways. talk to him. pleading even pleaded. but what I got? only piece of the pain and said sorry. that enough? it is enough to fix all this? it enough to continue my life?
maybe ... God always has another way. For me and for Fajar. I can only forgive but I can not forget. maybe someday he'll understand what I feel. I believe, God does not sleep and he's the most fair judge. This is my way to release the burden. I am tired of fighting alone. if I had to let Fajar, alright ... Let me die.

Buat Fajar

I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to tell you mostly
I hate that I'm so afraid of everything
I hate that you’re the one thing I want the most, but i can't have.
I hate that you let me go before I got even got to say goodbye
I wish that you would stay next to me forever.
I wish we can be as one.